Categories: Practical Communication Archives ICTS

10 Ways to Avoid “Empty Nest Syndrome”

Published on: May 14, 2013

Categories: Practical Communication

Tags: amy castro blog, amy castro's blog, avoiding empty nest syndrome, children move away from home, communication, empty nest, empty nest syndrome, empty nesters, icts, innovative communication and training solutions, parenting college students, relationships, self esteem

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At this time of year, many parents are facing their only (or last) child’s high school graduation. In a few short months, their children will go off to college, leaving them alone in the empty nest.

When my one and only child went to college for the first time, many friends and family members asked me, “What are you going to do now?”, and “Aren’t you going to be devastated?”

The answer? Live my life and no!

Parents, but especially stay-at-home parents, often put their lives on hold for 18 years while putting their children first. Stay-at-home parents, especially those who haven’t pursued their own interests at all, are extremely susceptible to “empty nest” syndrome. Once the children leave the nest, these parents may feel their identity is gone and they lack purpose. As a result, many fall into depression.

So how do you avoid the negative “Empty Nest Syndrome” and instead look forward to an empty nest?

By realizing, that after almost 20 years of putting your life on hold, YOU GET YOUR LIFE BACK!

That’s how I’ve always viewed the situation. I now can 100% pursue my own interests and activities rather than someone else’s. I have a few good years left after all!

Here are some thoughts on this new phase of life that I hope will help those soon-to-be empty nesters adjust to their new status:

1. Remember that you’ve been a successful parent and have launched your child on a wonderful adventure and the next phase of his or her life. This is something you should be celebrating, not crying about!

2. Also remember that your child will always be your child, regardless of whether you live at the same address or not.

3. Stay in touch … within reason.

Think about it, with your child’s busy schedule, how often do you actually see him or her each day anyway? Some of you might not even realize they’re gone for a week or so. Okay, seriously though, with all the technology available for communicating, video chat, texting, and phone calls, you can easily keep in touch with a child who is away at college. However, don’t cross the line and become a stalker! For more info- see this blog post, “The Do’s and Don’ts of Staying in Touch.”

4. Take your life back.

Within legal boundaries, you can basically do whatever you want now … do it! Think about it. You no longer have to sit at the side of a pool or on the sidelines of a ball field, sweating your butt off, watching a sport you don’t really like!

5. Pursue your long-lost hobbies and interests.

Ask yourself,

“How did I spend my time before kids?”

Get back into those activities if you can. If not, pursue new interests– get a job, volunteer, pursue a new hobby, take a class, teach a class, etc.

6. Spend time with friends.

You remember your friends, those people you think of often, but never see because you’re too busy with your children’s activities. Call them. Get together. If your friends aren’t empty nesters and don’t have time for you- find some new friends to add to your list.

7. Join a group.

One of my greatest joys is being part of my business women’s group, the Association of Business and Professional Women. Just about every member is past the “kid stage” of their lives and is focused on their own business, volunteering, travel, etc. It’s actually a nice break not to have to talk about “kid stuff” for once.

8. Start a group. If you can’t find a group that interests you, start your own. Whether it be a book club or a hobby club, I can guarantee there are at least a group’s worth of people out there who share similar interests to you. You could even start a group for empty nesters? I’ll join and be your first member!

9. Rediscover your spouse. You know, that person you married awhile back? The one you see in passing each evening. The one whose also suffered on the sidelines of the ballfield, in the audience at the “talent” show, and whose taken turns with all that carpooling. If you’re like the majority of Americans, you probably married him or her BEFORE you had kids, so there must have been some reason you wanted to be together. Sit down and remind yourselves why and create a plan to become a couple again.

10. Create an “Empty Nest Plan” now! Don’t wait until you’re weeping and wailing in the car on the way home from dropping your child off at college. Start now by creating a list of activities you plan to pursue. For each, identify the step-by-step process you’ll take to pursue them. Treat these new activities as goals, with specific steps, milestone dates, and deadlines.

Okay all you empty nesters out there, if you have any tips to add, please comment on this post!

Get Rid of Dead Weight Once and For All

by Amy Castro

Published on: May 7, 2013

Categories: Practical Communication

Tags: bad relationships, breakup, communication, interpersonal, professional communication, toxic relationships, unfriend someone

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A recent “Dealing with Difficult People” breakfast workshop reminded me that sometimes, when all else fails, it’s best to just get rid of the “non-value added” people in your life, rather than trying to deal with it. This is a post from 2011 on getting rid of the dead weight in your life. Enjoy!

Relationships with people are similar to relationships with cars.

Now before I start getting angry comments telling me that people aren’t cars, they have feelings, more value, etc., let me emphatically state that I don’t believe inanimate objects are as important as people. Just go with me on this analogy for a minute.

You have a reciprocal relationship with your cars. If you care for it properly and give it what it needs-, gas, maintenance, tires, cleaning, etc., it will “reciprocate” by being reliable, efficient, and safe transportation, and you’ll likely keep it for many years.

On the other hand, if despite your efforts, your car “drained the life out of you”—it guzzled gas, didn’t start most of the time, and broke down frequently—you’d get rid of it, wouldn’t you? The cost of having the car would far outweigh the benefit—no reciprocity there.

Human relationships also require reciprocity to work. When each person meets the needs of the other, the relationship works. When there is no reciprocity and one person is being “bled dry” by the other, the relationship isn’t working, at least for the desiccated corpse.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t be “giving” people or shouldn’t make sacrifices for others. Being a good friend, coworker, employee, child, or neighbor, often requires putting others above ourselves.

Does your mom or dad, despite your requests, belittle you, your spouse, or children? Maybe it’s time to stop visiting, taking his or her calls, or allowing him or her to come to your home—if only temporarily?

Do you have a boss who repeatedly uses sarcasm and humiliation to let you know that “he owns you?” Maybe it’s time to get a new job, or three jobs if you need to.

Do you have a “friend” who has never been there for you, but always expects you to be there for her? Maybe it’s time you say, “Our relationship isn’t working for me” and stop calling her, responding to her calls, etc.

Before you say, “that’s easy to say, bet you’ve never done it,” I’ve done each of the things above at different points in my life and never regretted any of them.

Again, as a person who believes communication can solve most problems, I believe we should communicate with the person and exhaust all options before ending a relationship. However, when you’ve done that to no avail …

Cut ’em loose.

25 Reasons Why You Should Improve Your Communication Skills

by Amy Castro

Published on: April 23, 2013

Categories: Practical Communication

Tags: amy castro blog, amy castro's blog, business communication, communication, innovative communication and training solutions, practical communication blog, professional communication

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Whether you categorize yourself as a “good” communicator or just “okay,” it’s important that your communication skills constantly evolve. You have to make a daily effort to improve your communication skills. It’s not enough to just be “okay” at it- you have to be great at it– your life depends on it.

Although that may seem a bit dramatic, just about every aspect of your life as a human being is affected by your communication skills:

How well did you describe your child’s (or your) symptoms to the doctor?

Did you give clear directions to the friend who is meeting you for lunch?

Did you provide effective ”performance improvement feedback” to your employee, or were you vague or critical, leaving him or her feeling worse than before you opened your mouth?

Did you let your spouse know that you appreciated a specific task he or she completed for you?

These are just a few examples when GREAT, not just good or okay communication skills are essential.

All of us should add “improve communication skills” to our daily to-do list. Perhaps we should be even more specific and focus on a particular skill each day or for one week to “get it down.”

If you need motivation to take on this challenge, here are 25 reasons why you should:

1. You’ll be better able to “read” people

2. Your personal relationships will grow stronger and closer

3. Your workplace relationships will improve

4. You’ll get more done, especially when working with others

5. You’ll reduce others’ anger and defensiveness

6. You’ll feel more confident

7. You’ll be free to be more assertive

8. You’ll accomplish more of your goals

9. People will enjoy talking with you more (because listening will be one of the skills you’ll work on)

10. Your customer service ratings will rise

11. You’ll retain more customers

13. You’ll gain new customers

14. You’ll look forward to conflict and the opportunity to resolve it effectively

15. You’ll set a great example for your children

16. Your children will be more effective communicators

17. You’ll be more likely to get a promotion

18. You’ll make more money

19. You’ll be better able to negotiate- from your kid’s curfew to a new car deal

20. People will respect and admire you

21. You’ll learn more than you ever would have

22. Your life will be more satisfying

23. You’ll be less stressed and frustrated

24. You’ll have fewer regrets

25. You’ll learn more about yourself than you ever would have known otherwise

What would you add to this list?

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If you need some help getting started, order my book, “Practical Communication: 25 Tips, Tools, and Techniques for Getting Along and Getting Things Done.” It’s full of tips and information as well as guidance for getting started on the road to better communication!

7 Tips for Harnessing the Power of Praise

by Amy Castro

Published on: April 17, 2013

Categories: Practical Communication

Tags: amy castro blog, amy castro's blog, communication, customer service, how to praise effectively, icts, innovative communication and training solutions, meeting etiquette, practical communication blog, praise your children, praise your coworkers, praise your employees, praising others, professional communication, the power of praise

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I was once conducting a workshop when a high-level supervisor commented, “Why should I praise my employees, they get paid to do a job. Isn’t that enough?”

NO, it’s not!

And the same goes for children doing their chores; just because they’re supposed to do them, doesn’t mean they don’t need praise for a job well done (or done at all.)

Unfortunately, many people miss the opportunity to praise because they assume others already knows what they’re doing is the right thing.

However, doesn’t it feel great to have someone notice your hard work? It doesn’t have to be a 30-minute speech to have an impact. A simple “noticing” is often enough.

The power of praise is simple: Good work that is noticed, is repeated.

If you see people doing good work, say something and they’ll likely continue to do good work. They may even ask for more to do!

Here are some simple tips for praising others that will make people’s day.

1. Be sure your words and nonverbals are sincere.

You have to say how much you mean it and your voice and body language have to show how much you mean what you’re saying.

2. Praise in person and follow up in writing if needed.

Taking the time to seek someone out and provide face-to-face praise, shows others that what they did really matters to you. It also allows you to maximize your nonverbals to help show your sincerity. If the praise is for someone’s work performance, it’s a great idea to follow up with a note or email reiterating the praise. That way, the person you’ve praised can share the information with his or her boss, or include it as evidence of their good work on their performance review.

3. Use the person’s name.

Using the person’s name while praising adds an extra level of sincerity and personalizes the praise. When you say, “Paul, I appreciate …”, Paul will note that the praise is specifically about him and not some generic comment you make to everyone, such as “Keep up the good work dude.”

4. Be specific.

Tell people exactly what they did well so they’ll know what to repeat. Don’t just say, “good job,” say, “Thank you for emptying the dishwasher so quickly and without being asked,” or, “Thank you for staying an hour late to complete the weekly report.”

5. Share the positive results of the person’s good work.

Once you’ve said exactly what was done that was so great, be sure to share why it was so great. Therefore, the praise above regarding the dishwasher would continue with, “It really saves me time so that I can focus on getting a nice dinner ready for the whole family.” The praise for the employee who stayed late would continue with, “Your willingness to stay late to get it done early really benefits the customer so she’ll have all the information she needs tomorrow to make a good decision.”

6. Don’t diminish the praise with negative comments.

Don’t praise the employee for staying late and then add, “I’m glad you’re finally willing to do what it takes to get the job done.” Don’t go on to tell the child who emptied the dishwasher, “If you’d have done it yesterday, we wouldn’t be eating dinner on paper plates tonight.”

Adding a criticism or negative editorial comment basically ruins the praise. Let the praise stand alone. If there are some lessons learned or you’d have preferred the person had acted sooner, faster, etc., then save those comments for another conversation.

7. Praise privately, as appropriate.

As much as some people appreciate public recognition, there are others who are embarrassed by it. Additionally, praising a child in front of another child or an employee in front of his or her peers can cause jealousy. Therefore, if you praise publicly, do so cautiously and don’t direct negative comments to the other parties. For example, don’t praise one child for emptying the dishwasher and then tell the other child, “Why can’t you be more like your sister by doing your chores without being asked?”

8 Tips for Offering a Sincere Apology

by Amy Castro

Published on: April 9, 2013

Categories: Practical Communication

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Last week I wrote about the importance of apologizing when you’ve wronged someone. However, there are times when an apology can actually make the situation worse, such as when the apology is insincere, sarcastic, or flippantly delivered.

To ensure your apology is accepted in the spirit with which you intend it, be sure to follow these eight tips for offering a sincere apology.

1. Be sure your voice, facial expressions, and body language “match” the sincerity of your words.

If you sound sarcastic, angry, or indifferent when delivering an apology, your message will be lost on the other person. You might even re-ignite an argument. When delivering an apology, you need to sound sincerely remorseful for your actions. To do so, you must truly FEEL remorse for your actions. If you don’t, you need to re-evaluate whether you should apologize at this time. For example, if you’re still embarrased about what you did and you’re feeling defensive, it’s probably best to wait a day for that feeling to subside before apologizing. However, don’t wait too long!

2. Apologize immediately.

Don’t wait a week to apologize, do it on the spot, or as soon as you can. I’d suggest no more than 24 hours elapse between your transgression and your apology. Remember, an apology delayed is an apology denied.

3. Don’t just say, “I apologize,” or “I’m sorry.”

It’s important the other party know that YOU know exactly what you did wrong. Therefore an appropriate apology might be, “I’m sorry I didn’t give you the telephone message. I should have written it down and put it where you’d see it, rather than thinking I would remember to tell you.”

4. Never include the word “but” in an apology.

When you say, “I’m sorry but …”

- it wasn’t my fault, there weren’t any message pads.

- I was too busy doing my work and I forgot.

- I don’t know why I have to take messages for you anyway, why don’t you just let calls go to voicemail?

- you shouldn’t have asked me to take your calls, that’s not in my job description.

you basically erase the apology and instead, you’re making excuses for your bad behavior. No one wants to hear excuses rolled into an apology. The one exception would be if you want to provide an EXPLANATION because there is a legitimate reason for your behavior or an error. In this instance, you should first apologize, THEN say, “I have an explanation if you’re willing to hear it.” This way, the other person can choose to hear the “why” behind the situation.

5. Apologize face-to-face, or by phone.

An apology is more sincere when you take the time to face the person you’ve wronged, look him or her in the eye, and “fess up.” If face-to-face is physically impossible, pick up the phone. At least with a phone call, you can show your sincerity through your voice. Although a written apology isn’t bad, it should be a follow-up to a “live” option.

6. Offer to “make it right.”

Apologizing is nice, but it doesn’t fix what went wrong. Once you’ve apologized, it’s a great idea to ask, “What can I do to make this right for you?”, or ‘What can I do to make it up to you?” The other person may not be able to think of anything, but when you offer, you’re showing a willingness to right the wrong. Even if they other person can’t think of something you can do to make it right, find something. A small gift or taking on an extra task without being asked will show that you sincerely want to rememedy the situation.

7. Share how you’ll avoid making the same error in the future. Once you’ve apologized, be sure to tell the other person how you’ll avoid making the mistake again. For example:

- The next time, I’ll go get a message pad from the supply closet and write every message down.

- The next time, when I know I’m going to be too busy to manage your calls and my own, I’ll let you know, rather than saying I’ll do it and then doing a poor job.

8. Thank the person. When your apology is accepted, be sure to thank the other person for his or her graciousness in accepting your apology.

Apologizing isn’t always easy and the conversation won’t always go smoothly, but the ability to apologize is a key skill in enhancing and maintaining your personal and business relationships. Not only does it show your human side and your willingness to admit your faults, but it opens the door for others to feel that it’s okay to admit their mistakes as well.

Stop Being Self Centered and Apologize: 10 Reasons Why You Should

by Amy Castro

Published on: April 2, 2013

Categories: Practical Communication

Tags: amy castro blog, amy castro's blog, apologizing, communication, conflict, conflict resolution, customer service, icts, innovative communication and training solutions, interpersonal, practical communication blog, professional communication, why you should apologize

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A recent headline on the Smithsonian website caught my attention:

People Who Don’t Apologize Probably Feel Better Than You

The article described a research study where people were ask to recall their “wrongs” and were then given the opportunity to send an email to the wronged party and either apologize, or refuse to apologize.

The result?

Those who sent the email refusing to apologize felt much better than those who confessed and took the blame or responsibility.

The researchers explained that refusing to apologize made people feel empowered. The feeling of empowerment then translated into greater self worth.

Here’s my problem with this whole thing …

Apologizing is not about you! If you think it is, you’re just self centered!

which is probably why those who refused to apologize felt greater self worth and empowerment.

Deciding to provide an apology for your actions requires you to first decide whether what you did was right and appropriate, or wrong and inappropriate.

If what you did was right and appropriately handled, you shouldn’t apologize– even if the other party feels badly about what you did. If a teacher grades a student’s paper and the student only gets 10 percent of the questions correct and fails the test, the teacher shouldn’t apologize. If a supervisor appropriately calls an employee aside and tactfully corrects the employees behavior, the supervisor shouldn’t have to apologize if the employee is embarrassed by the correction.

However, if what you’ve done is wrong or inappropriately handled, you don’t deserve to feel empowered or to have your self worth boosted by not apologizing. I’ve known people who feel this way and they may feel empowered, but they have no friends, their spouses are distant, and their children avoid them. I hope their empowerment and self worth are there for them when they’re in trouble or need someone, because no one else will be.

So when your wrong or you’ve handled something inappropriately …APOLOGIZE!

Stop worrying about yourself and how you’ll feel, and do the right thing for the person you’ve wronged and your relationship, here’s why:

1. Apologizing restores what you took away from the other person when you wronged them–THEIR self worth and power.

2. The person you’ve wronged will most likely feel better physically and emotionally when you apologize.
In fact, research shows that those who receive a sincere apology exhibit lowered blood pressure and heart rater after receiving one.

3. Apologizing shows empathy, caring, and respect for the other person.

4. Apologizing allows the other party to empathize with you as the wrong-doer.

5. When you apologize, you set a positive example and others will be more willing to admit their mistakes and apologize when they’re in the wrong.

6. Your relationships will grow closer due to this deeper level of self disclosure.
It’s easy to talk about things when you’re right, but when you admit your mistakes and flaws, you demonstrate a deeper level of trust in and caring for the other person.

6. Showing your flaws and vulnerability by apologizing will make you a more likable person.
People don’t like or trust “perfect” people. When you apologize, you admit and reveal your likable imperfection.

7. Once you’ve apologized, you’ll no longer seem like a threat to the other party.
When you’ve wronged someone, they’ll constantly be on guard for the next attack. When you apologize, you bring their guard back down.

8. Apologizing provides justice to the other party.
When they remain feeling wronged, they remain angry and focused on the past. An apology can allow the other party to let go of anger and move forward.

9. Apologizing brings healing to a relationship.
When you refuse to apologize, you allow the wrong to poison your relationship. The wrong leads to “pay back”, negative (or no) communication, grudges, and resentment, which will eventually destroy the relationship.

10. Apologizing is often the first step you can take toward asking for (and receiving) forgiveness, which we all need every now and again.

Next week, we’ll tackle how to (and how not to) apologize!

5 Tips for Cultivating Your Relationships

by Amy Castro

Published on: March 27, 2013

Categories: Practical Communication

Tags: amy castro blog, amy castro's blog, bad relationships, business communication, communication, conflict resolution, cultivate relationships, healthy relationships\, icts, innovative communication and training solutions, practical communication blog, professional communication, relationships

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For the past two years, I’ve planted a vegetable garden. Last year, I really tended it. I watered every day, fertilized, fussed, and worried over it.

My reward?

A whole lot of nothing. I harvested one zucchini from my zucchini plant before worms demolished it. My cucumber plants turned gray and withered, and a mouse (and my dog) got my tomatoes.

It was very frustrating to have put so much time and effort into something to just have it fail.

When I started doing some research on what went wrong, I quickly realized my error– I’d over-watered and over-tended my garden to death.

To avoid this problem, and the associated frustration of failure, this year my philosophy began with the idea of neglect. I decided early on that I was just going to throw some plants in the ground and leave them to grow or die on their own. However, I quickly realized this wasn’t the solution either.

I’ve come to the conclusion that a garden shouldn’t be over-tended, nor should it be neglected. A garden’s success is about finding the right balance of attention and input in order to reap the harvest.

Relationships, both work and personal, are a lot like a garden. You have to find the right balance of attention and input to help them grow and thrive. Over-tend them, and you’ll drive the other person away, under-tend them, and they’ll die.

Here are five tips for cultivating your relationships to ensure they thrive:

1. Provide feedback, but don’t nitpick.
People need to know where they stand in a relationship. Employees need to know when their performance needs to improve. However, there’s only so much feedback a person can take before they shut down and give up. So, choose your battles and provide feedback on what’s truly important.

2. Listen more and speak less.
You’ll never learn anything about others with whom you are in relationships if you’re doing all the talking. In all their relationships, people feel most satisfied and connected when they feel they’ve been heard and understood.

3. Spend time with others, but don’t smother or micromanage them.
In any relationship, there’s a dialectic tension of autonomy and connection. Autonomy meaning, “I need my space to do my own thing,” and connection being the need people have to feel part of a team, partnership, or family. Employers should carve out regular time to meet with employees to “check in,” but shouldn’t hover over their shoulders asking, “whatcha doing, whatcha doing” all day. Family members should also periodically check in with each other, either through family meetings, one-on-one time, or couple’s time.

However, people still need their space. No one wants to have to account for every move they make. I don’t want to have to tell someone where I’m going or what I plan on doing every time I get up from the sofa. Children especially need to learn to make good decisions and take responsibility for their actions (and inactions) without mom or dad stepping in to control every situation. Better for a child to learn the consequences in elementary school of not doing their homework or not getting up in time to get on the bus, than to learn that lesson once in college.

4. Encourage individuals to develop their own identity and interests beyond their role in the relationship or group.
Stay-at-home parents are the classic example of breaking this rule. Their identity is summed up in one word, “mom” or “dad.” Although they’ll always have those roles, what will their identity become when they become empty nesters? You can be a mom or dad and still be an individual with your own job, activities, friends, and interests. The same goes for employees in the workplace.

Employees should be encouraged to develop talents outside their immediate job responsibilities. Doing so will make them more valuable to the organization and more able to fill in when needed in other areas. People who feel individually fulfilled and who have developed autonomy will be happier and more productive members of all their relationships.

5. Learn to handle conflict effectively.
Sarcasm, name calling, yelling, and other passive aggressive and aggressive techniques are like overwatering a garden- they smother relationships and slowly kill them. Learn to handle conflict assertively, by finding the balance of expressing and standing up for your own needs, while being respectful and open to the needs of others, and you’ll have found the balance needed to ensure your relationships thrive.

For more information on how to accomplish the tips above, scroll back through the practical communication blog archives. There are many blog posts on feedback, conflict, and more skills that will help you grow strong and healthy relationships.

Seven Success Tips for Surviving the College Acceptance (and rejection) Season

by Amy Castro

Published on: March 5, 2013

Categories: Practical Communication

Tags: amy castro blog, amy castro's blog, college acceptance, college admission, college rejection

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I wrote this blog post for Bright Futures Consulting earlier in the week and thought it might be helpful for my own blog readers. Although it was written for parents of students applying to college, the tips could equally be applied to a loved one who is conducting a job search and faces the challenge of being rejected by a potential employer.

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We recently posted a link to an article directed toward students on how to handle/view college rejections. Here’s some advice to parents now that “March Madness,” the biggest college acceptance (and rejection) month of the year, is upon is.

1. Before you check the mail, be sure your student knows that you’re proud of him or her no matter what colleges say “yes.”

2. Be supportive.
This may be the first time your student has faced a major life disappointment. Be sure to let your student know that no matter what college he or she attends, you know he or she will be successful.

3. Don’t “bash” a college because your student isn’t accepted.
You were all gung-ho when your student was applying to Ivy U, but now that he or she was rejected, don’t start bashing the school or saying it wasn’t good enough. Doing so sends mixed messages and your student will likely see through your ruse and feel worse about him or herself than if you’d just acknowledged the rejection and moved on.

4. Don’t disavow your student’s feelings.
Avoid saying, “You didn’t want to go there anyway,” when you know a school was your student’s first choice. Your student should be allowed to express or vent feelings. However, do help your student move on and focus on the acceptances you know will come. Let your student know that rejection at a college is not the end of the world, just one of many bumps in the road of anyone’s life.

5. Remind your student that a rejection doesn’t mean “not good enough.”
There are many more qualified students that apply to any given college in the world than there are spaces in any freshman class. Rejection doesn’t mean your student wasn’t good enough, it simply means there wasn’t enough room for everyone. Additionally, every college has a “makeup” they’re trying to achieve– a certain number and type of students, athletes, majors, backgrounds, etc. Some things are just out of the control of the student.

6. Don’t be a “Monday Morning Quarterback.”
Now is not the time to berate your student for not taking the SAT again, for getting better grades as a freshman, or anything else that focuses on the past. This is a waste of energy. Your student already knows if he or she didn’t do everything necessary to be accepted to the “dream college.” Additionally, don’t let your student focus on the past. If you want to use poor past performance as a learning opportunity, acknowledge the truth of the past and focus on the lessons learned so the same mistakes aren’t made in the future.

7. Celebrate ALL acceptances.
It doesn’t matter if your student only gets into his or her safety school. Every freshman class is limited to a certain number of students and yours was found to be one of the ones that school wanted. Make a big deal of every acceptance! Celebrate!

Finally, even if your student is accepted to every college to which he or she applied, be prepared for a meltdown. Once acceptances arrive, student stress rises. The reality that they’ll be leaving home and moving on into the adult world is very stressful. Be sure to keep your eyes open for signs of excessive stress and help reassure your child that he or she is prepared for the future. If not, then now is the time to start preparing. If you’re that parent who still does your senior’s laundry and gets him or her up in the morning, STOP! Unless you’re planning to move into the dorm too, it’s time your student learns to do for him or herself.

10 Proven Benefits of Positive Thinking

by Amy Castro

Published on: February 28, 2013

Categories: Practical Communication

Tags: amy castro blog, amy castro's blog, communication, goal setting, icts, innovative communication and training solutions, positive thinking, power of positive thinking, practical communication blog, professional communication

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My daughter called me the other day very excited that she’d had a tremendous personal revelation recently. Her revelation reflected much of the advice I give in my workshops, specifically to customer service providers, on the power of positive thinking and its impact on the outcome of customer interactions, but on one’s own physical and mental well being.

Rather than stealing material from our conversation, I asked my daughter to be a guest blogger this week and share what she’s discovered about the benefits of being a positive thinker.

Enjoy!

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This is a guest blog post by Kelsey Castro, a student at The George Washington University in Washington, D.C., and a former negative thinker.

My job this year requires me to deal with difficult and angry people both on the phone and in person. Since starting this job, I have noticed how much I allow my negative thoughts and emotions to impact me physically and emotionally.

I’ve always been a pessimist, a “quick to anger” type person, and someone who is easily stressed. In fact, I spent my entire summer with a constant headache because I get myself so worked up in response to others’ actions. When I say constant headache, I’m not exaggerating. I’ve had a 24/7 headache from June 2012 until right about now.

I spent the summer at doctors appointments, getting MRI’s, CT scans, and even went through a lumbar puncture to have spinal fluid drained from my body to reduce the cerebral spinal fluid pressure in my brain. At one point, I even had high blood pressure at the age of 19!

Last Saturday, after a particularly difficult day at work, I had a thought,

“Would I feel differently if I thought more positively?”

Therefore, this week, I decided that I was going to work actively to avoid negative thinking and instead, try to be positive, compassionate, and empathetic instead.

The result? For the first time since June, my headaches have stopped completely. By using positive self-talk, I have been able to remain positive and am generally happier both at work and at home. Additionally, I have been able to see visible changes in the people around me at work because of the impact of my more positive attitude.

For example, each morning when I get up, I say to myself, “Today, I replace anger with compassion and understanding”, or “My goal today will be to project joy and enthusiasm.”

I know it sounds weird, but it really works. I repeat these positive thoughts throughout the day, especially when I feel stress coming on, or I am dealing with a particularly difficult or angry customer.

Again, it might sound weird to some people, but I can attest to the many benefits of these simple acts. Here are just 10 of the benefits that I have enjoyed, and think you will too, if you make the attempt to be a more positive person.

1. You will be happier!

2. You will be less stressed and more relaxed.

3. You will enjoy the many, proven health benefits of being a positive thinker.
In 2003, researchers at the University of Wisconsin found that the activation of brain regions associated with negative emotions weakened people’s immune response.

4. Other people will enjoy being around you more.

5. You will find it easier to deal with difficult people.
Instead of thinking, “I can’t believe this person is treating me like this,” and making yourself angry and upset, you’ll think, “This person is having a bad day, or is frustrated by his/her situation. It’s not about me,” and will be able to remain calm and rational.

6. You’re more likely to receive promotions and opportunities than someone who thinks, speaks, and projects negativity.

7. You will be more productive and efficient.
Whether at work or at home, the enthusiasm that results from your positive thoughts will motivate you to do more and do better. You’ll spend more time “doing” and less time complaining about what you don’t want to do and getting nothing done.

8. You will enjoy even the mundane parts of life more.
When I think, “I don’t want to do this. This is boring.”, the task becomes more unpleasant than it needs to be. If instead, I think, “I want to do this because it’s necessary and the sooner I get it done, the sooner I can move on to more fun and interesting things,” it makes the task more pleasant and I get it done more quickly.

9. Your creativity will increase because your mind will be freed from ugly, negative clutter.
In fact, researchers Dr. Paul Hammerness and Margaret Moore, found that negative emotions sabotage our brains’ ability to solve problems and ignore distractions, while positive emotions and thoughts actually improve the brain’s executive function.

10. Your goals will feel, and will likely be, more achievable.
Ask any successful person or read a biography of someone you admire whose accomplished great things. None of them will say they achieved their goals or dreams by thinking negatively.

5 Tips for Stopping Workplace Whiners

by Amy Castro

Published on: February 19, 2013

Categories: Practical Communication

Tags: amy castro blog, amy castro's blog, chronic complainer, communication, conflict resolution, deal with a complainer, deal with a whiner, icts, innovative communication and training solutions, practical communication blog, professional communication, toxic relationships, whining at work

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Everyone has complaints from time to time and I’m not trying to imply with this post that we should blow off every complaint that comes our way.

What I’m talking about here are the chronic complainers. Those workplace whiners who are the only ones to ever face bad coffee, rainy weather, long commutes, difficult bosses, and every other problem on earth.

Workplace whining isn’t just an annoyance for those who have to listen to it. It’s a real drain on workplace morale and productivity.

If you want to stop being the victim of a workplace whiner, try one or more of the following techniques. Some of them are designed to get the whiner to problem solve, others are likely to just make them go away. Either way, you’ll be able to regain your time and get back to work.

1. Share your truth.

If the whiner complains that a coworker is difficult to work with, share your truth by saying,

“I don’t find her difficult. She’s just very thorough and takes more time to make decisions.”

If the whiner complains about traffic, you can say,

“I find it’s a breeze to get here quickly if I leave home before 7 a.m.”

Why does this work? Whiners want someone to commiserate with them, not someone who contradicts them. When you share your truth, you’re taking the fun out of their complaining and they’ll take their show elsewhere.

2. Ask the whiner why he or she is sharing the complaint with you.

You could say,

“That sounds like a difficult issue. What would you like me to do to help?”

When you ask this question you’ll either get a legitimate request for assistance, or if the complainer doesn’t really want a solution and was just venting…again, he or she will likely tell you there’s nothing you can do and walk away. A chronic complainer doesn’t want to waste time talking with someone who wants to fix things, only to someone who will entertain the complaint and allow him or her to go on and on about it.

3. Learn to say “no” to listening to whining.

If the whiner is bringing you the same complaint you’ve addressed before and it’s obvious he or she isn’t looking for a solution, don’t have the same conversation again. Say,

“Dave, we’ve had this conversation before. I’ve offered you all the advice I can think of and I don’t think there’s anything else I can do to help. I’m sorry, but I’m not interested in having this conversation again. I have a lot of work to get done this morning and I need to get back to it.”

To answer your question before you ask, YES, Dave will likely be unhappy with this response, but the Daves of the world aren’t going to be happy with anything you have to say. It’s time to focus on your own happiness (and productivity) and stop being the sounding board for the whiners of the world.

4. Send them away until they come back with solutions.

Especially if you’re too uncomfortable trying #3 above, you can always say to the whiner,

“It sounds like this is an important problem for you and I’d like to help. Why don’t we set a time to talk later today when you’ve had some chance to think about solutions. I’ll be glad to discuss the solutions you’ve come up with and give you my input. What time do you want to meet?”

One of two things will happen as a result of this approach. First, you might actually help the whiners in your life start being more solution oriented and you’re telling them you’re there to help, as long as they take steps first to help themselves. Second, if the whiner doesn’t want to solve the problem, he or she won’t come back. Problem solved for you!

5. Ask, “What are you going to do about it?”

This is probably one of the most powerful techniques of all. It stops whiners in their tracks and tells them right away that you’re not about to become their sounding board. Instead, you’re going to require them to solve their own problems. This question doesn’t have to be asked with a harsh or aggressive tone. You simply wait until the whiner has stated the complaint and then sincerely say,

“Wow, that sounds like something you’re really concerned about. What are you going to do about it?”

The result will be similar to the other four techniques, the whiner will actually start exploring solutions, or will become frustrated by you and walk away to find someone else who will listen to them whine.

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